"You're nicer than me anyway"

 

Recently, during a training session for an online conflict management course, I noticed a promise that participants would learn how to confidently manage “single-issue conflicts.” While I’m sure the phrase made sense in the context of the training, I found myself reacting strongly against the idea that any conflict can truly be reduced to a single issue. It made me reflect on mediations that, at first glance, appeared quite simple, and I thought I’d share one of those with you today.

*Names and key details have been changed to maintain confidentiality.

This was a simple mediation, according to the paperwork, focusing on damage to the respondent’s home. The respondent had hired a maintenance company to fix the damage. The company finished in good time and the work was done to a satisfactory standard; however, payment did not come. When the owner of the company (the claimant) reached out to his client (the respondent) to encourage payment, he was told that his workers had damaged part of the home and that they would refuse to pay. Embarrassed and upset for his client, the owner sent out workers to fix the issues, though despite this, payment was not made and subsequent calls and emails were ignored.

When asked, the claimant stated that he only wanted payment for the work done. Nice and simple. When I asked the same question of the respondent, he told me that he was so disgusted with the shoddy work done by the roofing company that he would refuse to pay them, they didn’t deserve a penny for the work. In-fact, he said, he was sticking up for the little guy who always gets taken advantage of by business like this. Not as nice and simple! 

Interestingly, during the mediation itself, this level of hostility wasn’t evident. The respondent, who we will call Gary, was polite, friendly and jovial with the claimant. We will call the claimant Brian, who also polite, friendly and jovial with Gary. Yet, when it came down to the matter at hand Gary stuck to the script; The work was shoddy, they were disgusted and wouldn’t paying. The use of the word they, rather than he, will be important later.

Brian however didn’t stick to the script. He told Gary that he didn’t like to see a client of his upset, how could they work together to make it right? He offered a massive discount. Gary thanked Brian, told him it wasn’t personal but he couldn’t move from his position. And then, as he had now done twice before in the mediation, Gary asked for a short break, which was agreed by all.

I asked Brian to join me in a private room. He was ready to give up. I tried to motivate him to keep going, highlighting the good-faith nature with which he was approaching the mediation, and went to speak one-to-one with Gary. I was surprised to see he too was upset, frustrated and desperately hopeless. Gary, in the safety of the private meeting, decided to clue me in on a secret. A secret which explained the apparent obstinacy that seemed so out of character with his otherwise amiable demeanour. There was an invisible person at this mediation!

You see, Brian and I believed that there were three people at the mediation session today. Little did we know, that there was a fourth, unseen, participant in the form of Rebecca; Gary’s wife. Gary told me that in general he’s a fairly “live-and-let-live” kind of guy, yet Rebecca, his wife of thirty years, is less “live-and-let-live” and more “seeker-of-justice-at-all-costs” and finds Gary’s laissez faire attitude to be quite frustrating. Rebecca was not able to attend the mediation today, in person, but she was on the phone, through texts and calls, giving strong suggestions to Gary not to back down, which explained the frequent breaks. This left Gary, in an awkward position, unable to respond to the subjectively reasonable negotiation tactics of Brian, or the gentle reality checking of me in my position as mediator. Gary lamented that had his wife been able to make it today, and could look Brian in the eye, she would likely be more flexible in her approach. Within the safety of her absence, she didn’t have to do and instead could remain staunch in her position. I asked Gary what he would do if Rebecca was not involved, hypothetically of course. Immediately he replied, “I’d take the discount and walk round to the guys office with the cash, and shake his hand”. The obvious next question was, “Does Rebecca know that’s what you would do?”. She didn’t. Gary hadn’t really communicated this to his wife, when she had been texting and calling during the mediation, Gary had stuck to the concrete facts, rather than his emotional perception of the situation. One option we discussed could be to give her a quick call and let her know. This made Gary uncomfortable. He confided in me that he didn’t want to seem weak in-front of his wife. His led to a fascinating conversation that really wasn’t about Rebecca at all, but was about Gary’s sense of what “being a man” was and how his upbringing, namely his own father’s behaviour, taught him never to show weakness in-front of your partner.

Gary ultimately decided to call his wife and let her know that he desired to settle and accept the offer on the table. Looking Brian in the eye, he could see that he was genuine and that the narrative he and Rebecca had concocted, of Brian as a swindler and a crook, was not the truth, far from it. He was just a guy, trying to make things right, and equally upset by the whole chain of events, and wanted it done with.

When Gary returned, he had told Rebecca what he wanted to do. He had looked Brian in the eye, decided that he could be trusted after all and that he felt the offered discount on the fee was a fair and reasonable offer, which they should accept. Rebecca agreed instantly. Taken aback, surprised in this sudden acquiescence by his previously steadfast wife, he asked “are you sure?”. Of course, she was sure, she “trusted him, and you seem convinced. You’ve always been a better judge of character than me. I’ve always respected that about you, plus you’re nicer than me anyway, and that’s why I love you, so better you handle it”. A ten-tonne weight had been lifted from Gary’s shoulders and he seemed ten years younger as he instructed me to return us to joint session so he could accept Brian’s offer. Brian was happy(ish), Gary was happy, I was happy and the settlement agreement was made in minutes. And, as can happen in my favourite mediations, they agreed to meet at Brian’s office for a coffee immediately after the mediation to, and to pay the bill of course.

And so, the mediation about damage to a home wasn’t really about damage to a home at all, certainly more complicated than a single-issue conflict. Ultimately, and bear in mind I’m not a psychiatrist, it was about a man who loved his wife and wanted to earn her respect by handling the situation right. Though, of course he already had her respect, because he is nicer than her after all, and that’s why she loves him, and he can handle it.